The big pang theory


    Category
    Voices
    Date
    3 March 2015
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    Life was good to me… well, until I turned 15. I left home and started this journey of discovery, trying to find the true meaning of our existence. I was born in the 60s and maybe it was something to do with the time – did the people that spoke of peace, brotherly love and love for all know what life was about? Was God part of it?

    martina lewis crop

    The ‘Big Pang theory’ – something you can just understand if you are allowed to feel it! The gratefulness, the awe about another eventful day, a beautiful scene or the moment when you know somebody ‘clicked’ when you spoke to them.

    The day you feel this warmth washing over you, the questions stop and you just are. That is the moment when you understand that there is nothing you can do wrong if you listen to your heart and you act out of love. Everything is just as it is supposed to be. We all know that this moment exists deep down inside ourselves. We know because we come from that feeling and we want to go back to that feeling. Why do we fight it, why do we doubt?

    I was raised in a strict Catholic family and as a child I used to accompany my grandma and great aunts on pilgrimages. I was never bored – I loved people and I loved watching them. I also loved the calm of the church buildings, the beautiful voices of the choristers and how the same Bible passage could be interpreted in so many different ways. Some of my uncles were priests and some aunts were nuns.

    Life was good to me… well, until I turned 15. I left home and started this journey of discovery, trying to find the true meaning of our existence. I was born in the 60s and maybe it was something to do with the time – did the people that spoke of peace, brotherly love and love for all know what life was about? Was God part of it?

    I searched and I questioned, I stopped going to church regularly, but looking back I never stopped believing - I knew God was with me all the time. But did I let God steer?

    A marriage, a long-term relationship and five children later, and I was still searching.

    What was I searching for? Was it actually just the fear of my mortality or the fear of failure, more than actually the desire of finding the meaning of life? Well, I searched in all sorts of places, from horoscopes to clairvoyance, meditation to magic.

    Again and again I made the discovery that the principle was mostly the same - everyone on the search with me just wanted to be loved. And, as in most groups, you find very dedicated people who truly believe they have found the right path, which I found very impressive and I hoped one day I would be one of those people. I also met many people of different denominations who thought they were the ones that had made the right choice. No doubt there were many lovely people but something still felt not quite right.

    I was pregnant with my fourth child when I started going more regularly to church again. This time it was the Church of England and slowly its members became my family, the family that I was missing because I originally came to England from Germany. My faith was challenged many times, which made me more determined. I read the Bible from cover to cover and I became a street pastor.

    Still I was searching for something… Until one day, I had this pang in my chest – a feeling like as if you’d just fallen in love. I had this feeling many times before but I thought it was my own merit, that I had done something well and was proud of my own achievement that let me feel this beautiful pang in my chest. This time it was different: I was walking to the car, not doing anything spectacular, and I knew God just put something in place, God had shown me something beautiful.

    What was I doing all those years? Why had it taken this long? Why now? God’s timing is impeccable – I guess I was finally ready to understand.

    My relationship with God changed again and this time it went from, “Lord, I don’t know how I am going to do this” to “Lord, I can’t wait to see how you are going to do this.”

    I had learned to hand it over to God and let him steer, and that was the moment the ‘Big Pang’ happened.

    Martina goes to St John’s Church in the parish of Parks & Walcot, Swindon

    Contemplate now

    Everyone wants to be loved – does love have an end?

    Does the search for love lead to obvious places?

    Are you waiting to understand anything?

    Meditate today

    God’s steers us to love; then we can steer from love.